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by Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC
I've been dating my girlfriend for almost 10 months now. We are thinking about getting married. What issues are important to discuss before marriage? I know we all tend to have secrets or past experiences that we wish to take to our grave. Should every detail be shared or only those that we think could affect a marriage relationship? We've talked about going through a workbook that will help us see our compatibility. Should see a pre-marital counselor? Hector
Dear Hector, thank you for writing. I would encourage you to purchase the book So You’re Getting Married by Norman Wright (Available from Amazon and most bookstores). It covers most of the topics and issues you need to discuss prior to marriage. Once you have decided to marry for sure – then, you can go for premarital counseling. If you find there are some hot topics or issues in your relationship now you may want to get counseling for them. You can find a counselor at www.aacc.net.
Relationships take work. Relationships grow with honesty and authenticity. If you feel you have something to hide from the past that is not good and most likely, should be shared in order for complete openness in the relationship. If you hide the past that will become a pattern for the future. It will only destroy your relationship. Openness about the past will develop your trust, love and forgiveness. If your partner is willing to accept you and your past, acceptance will play a role in the future.
What issues and topics do you want to cover in this stage of your relationship?
- Communication: What kind of communication is needed for a healthy intimate marriage? Here are some healthy characteristics for great communication: open, honest, ability to admit it when we’re wrong or have done something to hurt the other. Communication that is tactful, loving, gracious and listens. Do each of you have the ability to speak the truth in love?
- Roles and expectations: Who will do what once you are married? Who will be responsible for various tasks? Will you both work outside the home?
- Commitment: what does that mean to you for a marriage relationship? Are both you you ready to commit to this for life?
- Anger and conflict management: How do the two of you handle anger and conflict? What is your style? Have you worked through issues of power and control? Are you able to problem-solve and work through conflict? Learning skills in these areas will not only enhance your relationship together but, help you manage conflict with others.
- In-Laws: this is a big issue. If one of you has a very dysfunctional family – they could interfere with your relationship. Working on this area is important. You may need boundaries that help you spend time with both families without putting your relationship at risk.
- Goals for marriage: Are you planning to have children? Do you both agree on this as a goal in the future? What else do you want in your marriage?
- Finances: How do you manage money individually? Do you have similar or very different spending patterns and goals? Is one more concerned about a budget and one more concerned with how to spend money?
As you can see there are a lot of issues to talk about and explore. But, working on these issues can draw you closer and help you discover whether there are some differences which can’t be worked out.
© copyright 2003 Lynette Hoy, NCC, LCPC
Lynette Hoy , NCC, LCPC, is a Marriage and Family Counselor and National Certified Counselor, author and speaker. She is the Executive Chair of the Chicagoland CBWC: Connecting Business Women to Christ organization. Lynette is co-founder of CounselCare Connection, P.C. providing online & office counseling for individuals, couples and families. Lynette regularly presents marriage, assertiveness, grief and divorce recovery, anger and stress management seminars.
Read Lynette Hoy's book, What's Good About Anger? It can be ordered online at: www.whatsgoodaboutanger.com or Amazon.com. Visit Mrs. Hoy's other sites: www.hoyweb.com, www.counselcareconnection.org, www.lifecareweb.com.