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by Amanda BirdCan we talk? If you have questions about abortion or would like to talk to someone about your choices we here for you, just send us an email. All emails are confidential.
When her doctor suggested she consider enrolling in an abortion recovery group, Melissa saw no need to dig up the past even though she still suffered from it.
At age 25, Melissa had moved to Germany to work for the American embassy. Shortly afterward, she started dating a man with whom she quickly became physically involved. They only slept together once, but that was all it took for Melissa to get pregnant.
An easy solution eluded them. Melissa's boyfriend, Greg, didn't want someone else to raise the baby. Melissa didn't want to get married just because she was pregnant. Neither of them wanted to disappoint friends and family. Though Melissa knew her parents would support her, she feared having people know she and Greg had slept together.
German law requires women to attend counseling before having an abortion. The details are sketchy in Melissa's memory, but she recalls the counselor asking her several times if she really wanted to go through with the abortion.
"I kept saying, 'I don't know what else to do.'"
When the time came, Greg took Melissa to get the abortion and then took her home. She promptly threw up and started to cry. Greg asked, "What's the matter?"
And that was it. They never discussed the abortion again, and Melissa decided then and there to keep it to herself.
SECRET SHAME
A couple of years later, Melissa returned to the States and began working for a law firm. Melissa always got along well with people, but now her temperament changed radically. She started avoiding people, thinking that if she gave them reasons not to like her, she could never get close to them and end up disappointing them. The attorney she worked for began confronting her about her attitude. When her father commented that she was always angry she snapped at him.
Melissa avoided thinking about her abortion. If it came to mind, her thoughts were, "Oh God, I'm so sorry." The anger, resentment, guilt, and shame continued to build. Finally, a whole year after the suggestion from her doctor, Melissa could bear her burden no longer. She confided in her roommate. "I just knew she would go screaming from the room," Melissa said. But she didn't, instead she persuaded Melissa to call a Pregnancy Resource Center (PRC).
FINDING FREEDOM
The counselor Melissa met at the center encouraged her to join an abortion recovery group in the area. The 13-week program, was based on Linda Cochrane's book, Forgiven and Set Free. Beginning with a study of God's identity as revealed in the Bible–for example, Provider, Protector, and Savior -- the study then walked the women through the process of grieving the loss of a child society says never existed. They deal with anger, depression, forgiveness, and acceptance. Going through the study, Melissa grappled with every issue, but at the end she felt the first true joy and peace she had experienced in a long time. Melissa found that "realizing God's forgiveness in [her] life was extremely powerful"
Still, she is quick to add, " it's a process. Nobody's healed in thirteen weeks."
One lingering issue for Melissa was her anger toward Greg. She and Greg had corresponded only sporadically since her return to the States. Melissa had to recognize and let go of her resentment toward Greg for urging her to have the abortion and refusing to talk about it afterward. The study emphasizes that forgiveness doesn't have to mean reconciliation, nor is it based on feelings. It is an act of obedience to God.
The study suggests that many women have abortions because of other unresolved issues, such as abuse or fear. Recovery requires dealing with the factors that led to the abortion. For herself, Melissa says, fear of losing her relationship with Greg and of "getting caught" were strong factors in her decision.
Mother's Day and anniversaries of the abortion and projected birth date still remind Melissa of her loss, but the memories don't burden her the way they once did. She has found that "the debilitating depression isn't there, the shame and tragedy are not as they were four years ago because of the healing God has given." She emphasizes that her freedom and healing did not result from positive thinking or boosting her self image. Rather they came from freely acknowledging her mistake and accepting God's love and forgiveness. "People think they can come to terms with [an abortion] through self help," Melissa says, "but this is different. It was strictly God's grace and mercy that brought this healing about."
"It still amazes me that the Son of God says, 'You are my friend, and I love you." Melissa says. "The first time I read that, I said, 'God, do you realize who you're talking to?'" Melissa still marvels at the miraculous way God has turned tragedy into blessing in her life. "The abortion was so wrong . . . but it doesn't have that black condemnation any more."
Are you filled with guilt? Looking for forgiveness? Need someone to love you? God loves you. He is waiting for you to come to Him.You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here's a suggested prayer:
Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Savior and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of woman you want me to be.
Does this prayer express the desire of your heart? You can pray it right now, and Jesus Christ will come into your life, just as He promised.
If you invited Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, you'll experience life to the fullest.
