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by Carol Van Atta
“Mom, can we please stay home from church tonight? I’m so tired.” My almost twelve-year-old son pleaded.
“Honey, we really need to go. But, goodness, I’m exhausted myself. We could go to the weekend service.” I reply, feeling slightly uncomfortable with my decision, and how easily I was persuaded to change my mind. Should I stand my ground? Sadly, sometimes it just seems easier to “go with the flow.” You know the phrase…”don’t rock the boat.” Well, I was trying to keep the boat upright at all costs.
Do you find yourself saying yes, when you want to say no? If so, keep reading! You are most definitely not alone. Today, it is very “psychologically-correct” to talk about personal boundaries. But what do healthy boundaries look like? How do we keep them fortified and strong without becoming totally unavailable to those we love, work with, or serve in some capacity? Boundaries also involve another very important word—balance.
As a woman, with a family, a home, and a career (oh, and let’s not forget writing, speaking, and attending every Little League Baseball game that my son plays) it is difficult to determine when to say no, yes, maybe, or even can I get back to you? For women, I believe setting boundaries and limits is crucial to physical, emotional, and spiritual well being. Not to mention the well being of those around us! I know when I respond with two many “yes’s” when my gut is screaming no, those around me can expect a poorly targeted retort. Because when we don’t say what we need to say, or do what we need to do, our frustration simmers just beneath the surface, like lava in an active volcano. You know the rest. Sooner or later, that volcano is going to spew some pretty hot stuff. We must find a way to keep our inner volcano from erupting inappropriately on those around us.
Stand your ground
Certainly, there are some deep, life-long issues that may lead us to become boundary-lacking ladies. However, one key element for not creating and keeping our own personal boundaries is fear. Fear of them, whoever they are, getting mad, or acting frustrated about our limit setting. I have also found in my own life and in working with numerous women, we tend to worry about not appearing nice enough, kind enough, or loving enough. It is very difficult to grasp that often times the most loving thing we can do for someone is to say NO. No, I will not give you more money for alcohol or drugs. No, I choose not to pay your rent this month. No, I am not going to stand here while you yell and scream at me. The list could go on and on. NO is not a bad word. We can say no, with love. Because when we want to say it, and we don’t, we end up resentful and the other person can feel those pre-eruption tremors from a mile away.
A simple formula
For me, I have created a simple formula to guide me in living a balanced, and boundary based life. First, learn what my own limits are. If I don’t know what I like, what my values are, or what I won’t tolerate, it is going to be challenging to create fully functioning boundaries that others respect. There was an old saying that went like this: “If you don’t stand for something, you will fall for anything.” What do you stand for? What are you willing to compromise? For me, it is very helpful to have a guidebook of what is right and wrong. The Bible is the one source that I rely on for determining what I stand for.
Now the Bible talks an awful lot about loving and giving. In fact, God makes it very clear we are to love others. But, even Jesus, took time away from his work to rest and retreat. He often left the crowds behind to go and pray, or talk with those closest to Him, His Disciples. What we can learn from this example is that we too need to have times where we are alone, or with loved ones. Time that is spent taking care of ourselves.
Take time for yourself
Exercising, praying, reading, journaling, scrap booking, visiting, even napping; the list could go on and on. What do you need to do for you in order to retreat temporarily from the needs of others and to refuel your own engine? When we take time for ourselves it is amazing how much more we have to give to others. We are able to say yes joyfully and purposefully.
Expect some challenges
If you have been a woman who says yes to everyone, and everything, it will be surprising to those around you when you finally say the big NO and actually stick to it. If you have been the person at work, who stayed late at the expense of your family and health, know when you begin to set boundaries you will probably see some surprised faces as others have to step up and be responsible for themselves.
As we become women of balance and boundaries, we will have more energy, time, and love to share with others. We don’t have to do this all alone either. For most of us, we will need to enlist the support of other caring women to help encourage us as we begin to re-balance our lives, and for some of us we may need to consider professional counseling as a tool toward change. Most importantly though, we have an incredible power source that is available to us day and night--A Savior that died so we would never have to go through any of life’s challenges and hardships alone. Learn from the most loving person of all, Jesus Christ. He will show you how to love, lead, live, and how to set loving boundaries. Why not reach out to others and up to Him now? A balanced life with healthy limits are just a prayer away.
Take a look at your life. How would you describe it? Contented? Rushed? Exciting? Stressful? Moving forward? Holding back? For many of us it’s all of the above at times. There are things we dream of doing one day, there are things we wish we could forget. In the Bible, it says that Jesus came to make all things new. What would your life look like if you could start over with a clean slate?
Living with hope
If you are looking for peace, there is a way to balance your life. No one can be perfect, or have a perfect life. But every one of us has the opportunity to experience perfect grace through a personal relationship with God through His Son, Jesus Christ.
You can receive Christ right now by faith through prayer. Praying is simply talking to God. God knows your heart and is not so concerned with your words as He is with the attitude of your heart. Here's a suggested prayer:
Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door of my life to you and ask you to come in as my Savior and Lord. Take control of my life. Thank you for forgiving my sins and giving me eternal life. Make me the kind of person you want me to be.
Does this prayer express the desire of your heart? You can pray it right now, and Jesus Christ will come into your life, just as He promised.
Is this the life for you?
If you invited Christ into your life, thank God often that He is in your life, that He will never leave you and that you have eternal life. As you learn more about your relationship with God, and how much He loves you, you'll experience life to the fullest.
Are you feeling overwhelmed? Do you need to talk to someone? Our mentors would like to help, please email us your concerns .
Carol Van Atta, the mother of two wonderful children, is the founder of Becoming a Warrior for Christ...One Step...(and a prayer) at a Time! She is a Christian motivational speaker and author, with a heart to serve and encourage women to be all they can be in Christ. Visit her web site for more information and speaking topics.
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